The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — are one of the most well-known psychological frameworks and one of the most misunderstood. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who developed them in 1969 based on her work with dying patients, was explicit that these stages are not a linear progression that everyone moves through in order. They are a map of possible emotional territory, not a prescriptive itinerary.
Yet the cultural script around grief — particularly pregnancy and baby loss — tends to expect a kind of trajectory: acute grief, then gradual recovery, then acceptance, then moving on. When grief does not follow this script, people are often told, implicitly or explicitly, that they are doing it wrong.
What grief actually looks like
Grief is not linear. It comes in waves. A bereaved mother may feel functional for a period, and then be floored by grief at an unexpected moment — a pregnancy announcement, a due date, a baby item seen in a shop window. This does not indicate lack of progress. It indicates that loss is woven into the fabric of a life and continues to be felt throughout it.
Grief can coexist with other emotions: relief (when a loss followed a difficult diagnosis), guilt about the relief, joy in other areas of life, connection with others, a deepened appreciation for what remains. Feeling moments of happiness or laughter in the weeks following a loss is not a betrayal — it is the human capacity for complexity.
What unhelpful support looks like
"At least you know you can get pregnant." "Everything happens for a reason." "It wasn't meant to be." "You need to stay strong." "Have you thought about trying again?" These sentences all have in common that they move away from the pain rather than toward it. They offer comfort to the person speaking them more than to the person receiving them.
What genuinely helps
Presence without agenda: showing up, acknowledging the loss directly (saying the baby's name if they had one), and not trying to fix the grief.
Following the bereaved person's lead: some people want to talk about their loss; others do not. Asking "do you want to talk about it, or would you rather I just keep you company?" gives them agency.
Sustained, practical support: grief does not resolve in a fortnight. Practical help — meals, childcare, household tasks — several weeks after the loss is often more helpful than cards in the immediate aftermath.
For the mother herself
There is no right way to grieve. There is no timeline. There is no measure of appropriate sorrow. Your grief is yours, in whatever form it takes, for however long it takes.